One Year

I made it. A whole year without him. A whole year of “firsts”—learning how to do life without my man. And I’m enormously sad. I haven’t felt this sad in several months. I can’t really believe it’s been 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days.

The separation feels dreadful.

I miss you Chris! I miss your passion. Your excitement about your God, your girls, your life. I want to hear your explosive laugh just one more time. I want to dance with you in the kitchen and have you badger me to say or do something utterly ridiculous just so you can laugh at me. I want to hear you tell me to loosen up and not care how dumb I'd look. Have fun!

I want you to see our girl. Oh Chris, she’s amazing! She’s smart and beautiful and talkative and outgoing and winsome. You would be so proud of her. You'd still be showing videos of her to everyone we know—and even people we don't know. She talks about you, you know. She wonders when we will get to see you again. I wonder that too.

Remember the way we would look at each other after you came out of Erika's room when you put her to bed? We would smile at each other and wonder just how on earth we got to be parents to this fantastic girl. I want to co-parent with you. Co-marvel at our great gift. Each time she does something hilarious or kind, I want to be proud with you. And when she is a pill, I want to talk with you about how we should deal with her. I want to raise her with you. Isn't that what we planned?

I want to ask you questions again. You knew a bit about everything and had a lot to say about it. Sort of like an encyclopedia. I miss that brain of yours. I miss hearing you teach Erika the Hebrew alphabet. I can’t give her that. But you will be happy to know that your Netflix cue is intact. I may not have watched any of your selections thus far, but they are waiting for me should I get desperate for some Deep Sea Detectives or history of ancient Rome.

I want to feel your arms around me again. Be kissed by you. Look into your handsome face. I want you to look at me again so that I feel that I’m the most beautiful, interesting, treasured woman in the world.

I want to admire you as you talk with people who want to talk with you. People who want your advice, your encouragement. I want to see the care you have for their souls. And I want to pray for you as you preach—and be uplifted by your words.

Oh Chris, how blessed I was to have walked some of this life with you! How blessed I was to have been loved completely by you—one of the very best men I have ever known.

I made this video for you. Remember this song ("The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson)? You used to turn it up when it came on the radio. You knew I loved its sweetness. You loved it too, I think. Thank you for taking me "the way I am." For living this life with me. For helping me and letting me help you. And for being the best daddy ever. I miss you, my love.